Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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