You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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