twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
