i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
