it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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