That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I could make wine with my vomit
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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