I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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