i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
