Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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