Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
