pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Randomize
