dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
As shirtless as possible
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
