Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
