Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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