im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
