Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
