You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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