good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
