I think I won the penis lottery.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You left your phone here
Wait...
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