I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
