he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
