On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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