she looked like the before picture.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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