Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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