Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
