You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
