for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Randomize
