i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
