It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
