She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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