I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
