1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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