we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
