dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
