if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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