I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
