My cat gives me a boner
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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