fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
