You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
