you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
