My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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