you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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