a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
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One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
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The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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