Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
