I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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