I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
