Me too!
there's paper in my vomit.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
