my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
