1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
