So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
