He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
