take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
