Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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