Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize