Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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