i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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