I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
