So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
