Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm getting married
To pizza
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
