Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
