Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
